| Change. |
[29 Apr 2009|08:35am] |
Finally, I've come to grips with my situtation and I've realized that by letting go ... I've become so much happier. I don't give a shit about anything anymore and let me tell you it feels so good. I'm even thinking about starting to sleep in my room again, I've still got to clean it out and I really want to re-arrage it.
-I need to clothes.
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| Pt. II |
[23 Dec 2008|11:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 angry |
] |
Because you know I'm the one who fucked up in all of this. Get over yourself, and there isn't anything you can say that will make any of this past year my fault. Just a few questions ... Does it make you feel like any more of a man to know that you fucked me over? Does it make you feel like a "pimp daddy" getting over on two or more girls? and most importantly why are you the biggest hypocrite I have ever met?
Example(s):You hate cheaters infact you hate them so much you can't bear to see it in the movies, yet you are one. You cannot stand liars, yet you are one of the biggest liars I have ever met. Not only do you lie about important things ... but you lie about things that don't even matter, all to feed that giant ego of yours. Shit talkers are below you, yet I don't think everyone in our highschool combinded has talked even .3% of the shit you've talked about me and I'm supposed to be your everything. Because you just keep my phone number so that you can randomly yell at me when you feel like it, and although I've wasted six years of my life sacrificing everything possible for you ... I'm deffinatley out to ruin your life -That's right.
Wanna hear the truth? Your an asshole. Your a lying, cheating, womanizing peice of shit who will spend the rest of his life hopping into/out of bed with an endless amount of women until you have de-filed and played the greater 845 area. And when you finally wake up someday HIV positive and realize what you've lost I hope it hurts. I pray that you can't live with the person you've become you die alone because you don't deserve anyone to lay beside you.
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| Santa can you hear me ... |
[23 Dec 2008|02:30am] |
I've been so good this year. I've worked hard and treated everyone with respect and kindness ... although there were a few I probably shouldn't have. I've sacrficed my social life to help out with the bills, and haven't spent a penny on myself all year.
And I hate to say this but ... what the hell have I gotten in return? Honestly, all I wanted this year was somthing that is free. All I wanted was to feel loved by someone who isn't family. I tried so hard to make it work and you just kept screwing me. I changed my entire life around to make you happy and somehow you found a way to make me feel like the guilty one. You made me feel like shit for everything I did wrong instead of recoginzing the fact that I became a completley different person for you. You forgot all the dinners I paid for, all the late night McDonalds runs, all the random gifts .... that I paid for and that's not even including the 1/2 tank of gas I wasted each day carting your ass around.
You failed to recognize all the times I drove you to work, and made you dinner. You forgot about all the nights we laid in bed together talking up until the second we fell asleep. Each morning you'd pull me closer and closer and I just so safe in your arms. I thought that it was Always and Forever and I always believe that someday you see past all your psycho theories and realize that I really do want to spend the rest of my life helping you, and supporting you. Someday you'd understand just how much I should mean to you.
But this Christmas I'll be spending alone curled up with a bottle of Bacardi in one hand ... and my dignity in the other. You'll be with her, holding her close and cherishing every moment your in her presence. And I won't even be a thought in your mind. It hurts so bad to finally admitt that to myself.
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| Feelings. |
[21 Sep 2008|01:43pm] |
|
I love you, you love me I wish we could be a happy family.
Each (-) belongs to one person NOBODY is repeated.
I've just been bottling a lot of this up, so here it is:
-Your the best friend I've ever had, and I love the fact that we are so different but I don't like the way people look at us when we hangout. Mainly because I know everyone is looking at you thinking why in the world are you hanging out with her? Because you'll always be the skinner one, the prettier one, the one who everyone wishes they could be.
-I'd really appreciate if you'd except the fact that I have someone in my life, and respect me enough to stop trying to have sex with me and then having the gaul to tell me it's because you genuinely like me as a person. NEWSFLASH you don't even know me. And the only reason you want to get to know me is because you want me to open my legs to you. It's never going to happen.
-I think you're really fucking fake, and I really hope that one day you stop trying to be me and start to be yourself.
-I'm so inlove with you, and I'd give anything to say it without feeling stupid or scared.
-You keep asking me what's wrong? and why have things changed? and even after I tell you the truth, you do NOTHING about it. So why should I make the effort to open up to you if your going to keep ignoring the obvious.
-I really wish you both would stop pushing me away. You two have been my world since I was 4 and I wish you weren't so embarrassed of me. I wish both of you felt like you could talk to me. It hurts me a lot more then you will ever know.
-You havn't wanted to be in my life since I laid in a crib, so why are you so hurt by the fact that I want nothing to do with you now? Your so set on letting your wife make choices for you ... so she made the choice, and now you've lost me. It deffinatley feels werid to say this, and I'm sure that I'm wrong in saying this but I don't think I'll cry at your funeral.
-BFFL for life! I'm so proud to say that I'm your daughter. You are the only person that I know who has come from absolutley nothing and made somthing of yourself. You went from living on doorsteps, and park benches to owning your own home, and supporting your family honestly. I don't know what I'm going to do when you die.
-I really wish you'd just accept me, and stop trying to change me.
-I really wish you'd stop drinking. Your liver is going to give out soon and I'm not sure how I'll handle myself when it finally does.
-You should stop pretending that you were born with money, you weren't and you are forgetting where you came from. Money doesn't buy family, spending time together does.
... Yeah, I feel a little bit better.
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| TGI Friday's. |
[07 Aug 2008|03:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
I now serve at TGI Friday's. I cannot wait to tell Chili's to shove it up their ass.
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| Ehhh. |
[29 Jul 2008|12:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
When you miss someone who you're truly in love with,
It feels a lot like dying.
You feel cold, alone and broken.
No one can ever fill that void he's left.
He blows you off every now and then,
but you don't say anything for fear of losing what you have.
And then again it's just every now and then right?
You hold your emotions captive on the inside.
Struggling to keep every word from escaping your lips.
One word could destroy it all, never let it trickle out.
You miss him, yet your mad at him and above all hurt.
You wonder why you can't be honest with him after all shouldn't you?
But he's everything you want, and everything you need,
and you'd rather smash your own heart of glass with what ifs?
Before you'd try and un-wind, He's just that important to you.
But does he really know it all?
Does he see the overload your insides are experiencing?
Does he feel the pain you feel when he decides the guys are more important.
Does he see the tears you cry when your all excited to see him
But he doesn't feel like driving.
No, he never will either
because feelings will forever be pushed aside.
After all your whole life is dedicated to keeping him by yourside at any cost.
You love him enough to forget about yourself.
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| I think. |
[19 Jul 2008|08:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhausted |
] |
I want a monroe.
But taking out my snakebites would feel funny.
And having snakebites, a nose ring and a monroe is entirely too much.
What should I do?
I need opinions.
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| Phone. |
[22 Jun 2008|07:42pm] |
I know this is going to sound really ignorant but I want a Sidekick LX and I think it's absolutely ridiculous that my Dad won't let me have one. He keeps saying that I'm wasting my money and that with my car payments, insurance PLUS my $100 phone bill that pays for his phone and my Mom's I won't be able to afford it. I know that's the truth and I know he's right but I want one so bad. And Chili's is never going to move me up so that I can afford it. I'll always be "just making" my payments in my mediocre life, with my mediocre job. I feel like nothing is ever going to get better, and nothing will ever change I feel like my life is one big stalemate. For ever two steps forward, there is always three steps backward. I really hope I get this job at Friday's, so I can tell Chili's to shove it. I hate everyone there except for Anna and Richie. I cannot wait to never see any of them ever again, the problem is they're all too fake and I happen to like real people thank you.
And you know what? I'm still waiting. Still waiting to feel like I'm worth even something to you. Still waiting to feel valued and wanted. Still waiting to hear you say it.
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| My Rant. |
[20 Jun 2008|03:39pm] |
|
made it into the paper. ahh life sucks again, and I just don't know what to think anymore.
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| And I Submitted This to The Paper. |
[18 Jun 2008|10:31pm] |
I work in a restaurant and today I was told that if I ever ran trays again with my "plugs" in I'd be fired. Apparently I'm an embarrassment to the restaurant and am unsightly to look at with the two holes in my face (lip piercings) which have to be taken out anway and my oversized ear holes.
So what I'd do? I went straight to another restaurant and asked to see the manager. I said "Hi, I'm Brittany and I'm from ____. I have tattoos and piercings and I don't believe that I should have to become a completely different person to support myself at 19 years old. I'm loud, obnoxious and in your face I have no problems talking to strangers and I'll work my ass off. I'm looking for a serving position". By this time ALL of the male servers on duty came over and started high five-ing me, literally every single server was like "you better hire this girl, she's in". So the manager told me that he really liked my personality/sense of style and that the manager who hires all the servers is on vacation but he'd take my application into the back, he said to keep coming in and he'd see what he could do for me. When I left the hosts were like "don't worry, you're in".
I'm so sick of not being accepted for who I am. All I can think is ... Do my tattoos have obscenities in them? Do my piercings prevent me from doing my job in any way? What does it matter because to me it's the same thing as not hiring someone because of their race/religion. My piercings and tattoos are a lifestyle and a culture just the same way Muslims or Christians have their way of life. The way I get treated everyday (in the corporate world) as a result of my piercings and tattoos is inhumane, and un-fair. Yes, I recognize that it's my choice to be this way, but how am I "offensive" for being myself? and I should be able to be myself without being hard at work to find a decent paying job. If I'm okay with who I am, I can't understand how other people can't be.
Just because I have tattoos and facial piercings doesn't mean I'm not capable of running a successful and powerful fortune 500 company. It means that this how I chose to express myself ... my outlet, my body, myself. And unless I'm forcing my values and beliefs on my customers, I do not believe that I should be dehumanized for it.
I'm a great talker, I'm warm/welcoming and a hard worker too but because I have two holes in my lip and oversized earring holes that makes me horrible at my job?
-Life shouldn't be this way, I believe that times are changing and people should change with them. I submitted this letter because I believe that everyone should be valued for who they are and everyone should be able to be "themselves" without having to change in order to be successful in this life. I guess I'm just trying to raise awareness.
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| The Way of The Fist. |
[18 Jun 2008|09:47pm] |
I'm so pissed right now I can't even think straight. Today Lena told me that if I ever ran trays again with my "plugs" in I'd be fired. Apparently I'm an embarrassment to the restaurant and am unsightly to look at with my two holes in my face. Seriously fuck you, I'm not going to change myself into a completely different person just to make it at 19 fucking years old.
So what I'd do? I went straight to Friday's and asked to see the manager. I said "Hi, I'm Brittany and I'm from Chili's. I have tattoos and piercings and I don't believe that I should have to become a completely different person to support myself at 19 years old. I'm loud, obnoxious and in your face I have no problems talking to strangers and I'll work my ass off. I'm looking for a serving position". By this time ALL of the male servers on duty came over and started high five-ing me, literally every single server was like "you better hire this girl, she's in". So the manager told me that he really liked my personality and sense of style and that the manager who hires all the servers is on vacation but he'd take my application into the back, he said to keep coming in and he'd see what he could do for me. When I left the hosts were like "don't worry, you're in" so I hope so.
Fuck Chili's, and as soon as I get the okay I'm out of there. I'm so sick of not being accepted for who I am. All I can think is ... Do my tattoos have obscenities in them? Do my piercings prevent me from doing my job in any way? What does it matter because to me it's the same thing as not hiring someone because their ugly or because of their race/religion. My piercings and tattoos are a lifestyle and a culture just the same way Muslim or Christians have their way of life. If your going to give people who have tattoos and piercings a hard time I think the ugly people should hear it to. The way I get treated everyday (in the corporate world) as a result of my piercings and tattoos is inhuman, and un-fair. I should be able to be myself without being hard at work to find a decent paying job.
Just because I have tattoos and facial piercings doesn't mean I'm not capable of running a successful and powerful fortune 500 company. It means that this how I chose to express myself ... my outlet, myself. And unless I'm forcing my values and beliefs on my customers, I do not believe that I should be dehumanized for it.
I'm a great talker, I'm warm/welcoming and a hard worker but because I have two holes in my lip that makes me a horrible person?
-Life shouldn't be this way.
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| 27 [Living to Die]. |
[17 Jan 2008|12:41am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
exhausted |
] |
The hardest thing in life, is watching the person that you love with all your heart love someone else. The saddest thing in life is loving someone who used to love you. No one realizes the beauty of love, until you lose it. It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone, when you're heart still does. Time goes by, life goes on, and all I can think of is why you're gone.
The only thing I'm asking for is to be happy. I'm not asking for much, I just want to be happy again. I know I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world nor am I the smartest but I just want one guy to love me for all that I am. I know somtimes I'm a little ditsy and I may not always remember things but I've put my heart and soul on line so much to the point where it's just slowly but surley killing me inside. I have no self esteem whatsoever, I cry myself to sleep each night and for what? I don't why I do the things that I do, and I can't tell you why I feel the way that I feel but I know that it's real. And if I know that it'll never work out, no matter how many times we try it then I why do I put so much faith in you each time? Why do I allow you to get inside my head and knock me off my feet.
I can't belive you were the one to build me up and tear me down.
Kissing me so sweetly you lifted me off the ground.
I promise you it's never too late ...
because I've been waiting since our first date.
To look into your eyes and see my own,
but this time it looks like I'll be spending the night alone.
Place your hand in mine,
I promise you I won't pass the sign.
So I'll let you go and leave you here.
Wipe my face of every tear.
I'll dye my hair a natural shade,
hopeing your attraction to her will fade.
I'll cover my tattoos ...
and maybe it will be me over her you'll choose?
I'll stick my finger down my throat,
maybe when I'm skinny I'll get your vote.
What am I missing that she's not?
Why am I the one who you forgot?
How is it that after all those years ..
That's she the one who gets to capture your fears?
Why am I invisable to you, how come you left?
What do I have to do to make you see me?
... I've loved you with all my heart,
It's been like that ever since the start.
Day one day two day three,
You've got me down on one knee.
Marry me today;
I guess I'm wishing my life away.
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| livejournal. |
[30 Nov 2007|01:00am] |
It's time for a new livejournal.
because apparently you people
can't respect my privacy and keep
what's conveyed here privet ..
if you find my new journal don't add me.
because i don't need anymore petty bullshit.
<3
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| i am .. |
[29 Nov 2007|11:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
burden.
annoyance.
childish.
broken.
tainted.
hurt.
crying.
emotional.
save me?
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| 26 days. |
[26 Nov 2007|04:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 envious |
] |
My heart is beating from me
Im standing all alone
PLease call me only
If you are coming home
Waste a year it flies by
Waste a night or two
You taught me how to live.
You're my everything.
oh and by the way 26 days till'
hatebreed i am only beginning to
shit my pants.
<3
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| break me. |
[25 Nov 2007|10:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 morose |
] |
and when he kisses me.
the whole world stops;
if only for that moment.
i know he feels it too.
i can see it in his eyes.
i can feel it through his touch.
i know he feels it, he's got to.
even through all the lies and
excuses i know he feels it too.
<3
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| this is now ... |
[21 Nov 2007|01:17am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 determined |
] |
Another memory and I'm asking myself,
why cant I let the past be the past.
Once and for all take a hold of the future,
And not let it control what I aspire to have.
I see where my decisions have brought me
Whats done is done and its time to start again.
Can't let it tear me in two or waste me away.
I've gotta believe because this is now.
<3
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|
| Happy Birthday Phil |
[14 Nov 2007|07:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
anxious |
] |
Sometimes we lose the people that we hold closest to hearts, because it's supposed to remind us that there is so much more to come. As we grow the people that we meet are our guides and are only meant for a certian period of time almost like they're sent from heaven. These people help us through the hardest of times and comfort us when were sad, but they'll never really realize how much of an impact they have made on us. Phil was just that to all of us, he was the one who kept us all laughing and smileing; he showed alot of us if not all just how much life can offer us. He always looked on the brighter side of things and was always a great friend. Now it's our turn to celerbrate his life and cast his memories foward. We live our lives believing "it's never going to happen to me, it's never going to be me", until we suffer a loss of someone special ..
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| snakebites. |
[05 Nov 2007|08:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
still havn't gotten my left snakebite re-done.
i was excited all day about finally getting my second
one back and then when i got to the shop dave wasn't
there. hopefully tommorow; god please tommorrow i feel
much too naked to go any longer without it. i have to say
that over the past year they've become my trademark ..
i'm known as "the girl with the bites" and i like it that
way. in alot of ways they define who i am, atleast in
my mind they do. so anyway went i just got back from
zumiez and bought another amazeing hoodie i cannot wait to wear it.
if i can find find my camera there will be a picture update
for tommorow okay? oh and i need see hatebreed again for
the upteenth time; the more and more i see them the better
and better they get. they are playing in new heaven
connecuit on december 23, 2007 someone take me? cause
i'm too scared to drive out there by myself. i ♥ hatebreed.
<3
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